MARCO'S BASEBALL BLOG-O-ROONIE 2021: PLAYOFF EDITION...A SHORT, FEARLESS PREDICTION

 

MARCO’S BASEBALL BLOG-O-ROONIE 2021: PLAYOFF EDITION

FEARLESS PREDICTION:

According to widely distributed punditry the Los Angeles Dodgers absolutely CANNOT lose tonight.

HERE IS WHY THEY WILL!

PROBLEM NUMBER ONE: The home plate umpire tonight will be Joe West, dean of all MLB umpires. Record holder of most games officiated all time. That’s a whole lot of games. And as everybody can tell you, Joe is one tough grumpy Horned Goblin of a Grey-Grouch if ANYBODY dares get in his face about his calls. He has a sense of humor if approached right but a really short fuse if somebody...even old pros he’s known for a decade … start jawing and spitting on his shoes. He’s Joe West dammit, and it’s his damn baseball field. Joe West and the honey badger don’t give a shit.

PROBLEM NUMBER TWO: Joe West is almost the worst umpire in baseball. He’s number one in controlling the game but number 96 (out of a hundred umpires) in call accuracy. That’s right, the longest tenured ump has almost more blown calls than anybody else. Hey, he’s old and grumpy and that chest protector is hot and he has to stand up all game and he’s fat and sweaty and the hell with it, that sounded like a strike. Who can tell with sliders anyway?

PROBLEM NUMBER THREE: Joe West LIKES the St. Louis Cardinals. Especially Adam Wainwright and Yadi Molina. Those guys are like him; they’ve been around forever. They’re good and they know the game. (Joe is sentimental...the Dodgers should start Albert Pujols instead of the human attic fan, Cody Bellinger.)

Wainwright doesn’t bother disagreeing with Joe on ball/strike calls because he knows it will just make trouble for himself. He gets a hurt expression and walks slowly to the back of the mound when Joe blows yet another call, but he doesn’t stare in or anything. Meanwhile, Yadi Molina is the best catcher in the game (or close to it) at framing pitches. Waino will throw those ridiculous slow curves up to the plate and Yadi will twist his glove just so to get the strike called. Now, Joe can’t really follow those curves that wind up in the dirt, but if Yadi catches it, he’s likely to get the call from Joe West. That’s because Yadi is also great at blocking wild pitches and Joe hates to get hit with errant fastballs and bouncing sliders. Yadi will protect Joe and Joe likes catchers who protect him. He’ll even let Yadi yell at him because...”well if Yadier thinks it’s a strike it probably is, so I’ll wink and give him a make up call”. Which is why…

PROBLEM NUMBER FOUR: ...Will Smith, the Dodger catcher, will suffer by comparison. Now Will is pretty good and he’s learning fast in only his second full year. “But, Son, I know Yadier Molina. I’ve worked with Yadier Molina. Son... you’re no Yadier Molina.” And so when Scherzer unleashes those sharp, nasty sliders at 95 mph, and they dive into the opposite batter’s box from where they started out, Will is going to miss framing them a few times and Joe isn’t going to call them strikes. And that’s going to piss off…

PROBLEM NUMBER FIVE:... Mad Max Scherzer. Max is going to be amped to the Max. (See how nicely that works?) It’s a win or go home game and Max loves that. He will be up to his eyeballs in adrenaline ‘cause that’s how he rolls. Lots of heavy breathing and grunting. And Joe is going to make bad call after bad call until Max can’t stand it anymore and he’s going to blow. Max and probably his catcher Will Smith and maybe even manager Dave “Beaming Buddha” Roberts will very likely all get run out of this game when they finally complain once too often about Joe West’s very approximate strike zone. The sponsors who are in the tank for the Dodgers will cringe but Joe West don’t give a shit. Spit on my shoes or say the magic word and you’re gone. “You boys get your asses into the clubhouse. I’ll be behind the plate chewing up this cobra.”

Meanwhile Yadi and Adam will cruise along with Peace in Our Time.

The Dodgers will have trouble scoring because they’ll have to be swinging at all the garbage Wainwright will be throwing their way. Either that or get rung up when Yadi makes Adam look like Leonardo da Vinci. Max will be grooving fastballs in frustration by the fifth after walking six Cardinals on all those overamped sliders.

The Dodgers will sorely miss their leftie home run bat Muncie. I see them scoring a couple of runs when either Mookie Betts or Trea Turner or both top a dribbler to third and get on and proceed to steal a base or two and score on another dribbler to third. Speed will be their only offense.

And, just like the other favorites of Madison Avenue, the New York “is that the Yankees wearin’ Spankies?”, the Los Angeles Dodgers will crater and usher in the New Age of the Robot Umpire to call balls and strikes.

Remember to thank Joe West.